Question: I’m really hard on myself, always zeroing in on what I could’ve done better and berating myself for every little mistake. I know this constant self-criticism is harmful, but I don’t know how to stop. I can see that it is starting to affect my relationships and ibadah. How can I learn to talk to myself with the same kindness and understanding I’d offer a dear friend and will this shift improve my relationships, especially with Allah?
Answer: It’s commendable that you recognise the impact of harsh self-criticism on your relationships and ibadah, and your desire to change is a powerful first step towards improvement. Learning to cultivate kindness and understanding towards yourself can indeed enhance your personal relationships and your ibadah.
Transforming your internal dialogue begins with mindfulness and honesty. Acknowledge harsh thoughts and challenge them with kindness and truth derived from Islamic teachings about mercy and self-worth. Practice replacing negative self-talk with positive affirmations rooted in Quranic verses and Hadiths that affirm your value and strength. Remember, the way you speak to yourself influences your path to self-improvement and faith, so cultivate a dialogue that uplifts and motivates.
To transform internal dialogue, consider the Prophet’s wisdom: ‘A strong believer is better and is more lovable to Allah than a weak believer, and there is good in everyone.’ (Muslim). Strengthen your internal dialogue with affirmations that reflect your inherent worth and strive to be the best version of yourself, embracing your journey with faith and resilience.
Start by recognising when and why your internal dialogue turns critical. Is it during moments of stress or challenge? Capture these thoughts and scrutinise them with compassion, not judgment and gently change them. For instance, replace thoughts like “I always mess up” with “Everyone makes mistakes, and I can learn from this.” As you raise your awareness gradually replace critical statements with affirmations that draw on your faith and inherent worth, affirming that you are capable, valued, and guided by a higher wisdom. Consistently apply this new dialogue, especially when you anticipate situations that typically trigger self-criticism, embedding these positive affirmations into your daily routine to foster a stronger, more compassionate self-view.
Apply the SPIRIT Sequence to analyse and adjust your internal dialogue. Use “Impression” to understand how negative self-talk affects your emotions and actions, and employ “Response/Reaction” to choose more affirming and constructive thoughts. The FLY Framework’s “Love” can help cultivate a more compassionate and forgiving relationship with yourself.
Monitor your inner dialogue, noting when it becomes critical (Find). Replace these thoughts with affirmations that highlight your strengths and values (Love). Reinforce these affirmations through repetition and reflection (Yield), allowing them to become a natural part of your mindset and self-concept.
Engage in dhikr (remembrance of Allah) to soothe your mind and heart. Regular du’a can also be a source of solace and a way to ask Allah for strength and patience with oneself. These practices not only bring you closer to Allah but also help recentre your perspective, promoting a more forgiving self-view.
By shifting how you talk to yourself, you can significantly improve your relationships with others and with Allah. When you’re kinder to yourself, you’re likely to extend that kindness to others, reducing conflicts and deepening connections. In terms of your relationship with Allah, understanding and having mercy towards oneself can remove barriers to ibadah, such as guilt and despair, fostering the feelings of having a closer relationship with Allah.
